In this month of love, we want to address a juicy subject without shame or concern for taboo: sexuality. (Will Google censor us for using such controversial terms?!)
Fortunately, sexual practices have changed a lot over the past few decades. We can now say goodbye to all those phallocentric cliches about penetration at all costs and male orgasm as the only end goal! Whether as a couple or a freewheeling butterfly, why not explore how you can enjoy a comfortable erotic or sexual vibe and cultivate healthy, satisfying relationships?
With her experiences working on 3 continents and being married to the same man for 35 years, Tina Karr approaches the subject in an uninhibited way.
From ballerina to puppeteer, broker to author, speaker to trainer, and coach to confidante, Tina has worn lots of different hats and is a real inspiration to her community. Even at 62 years old, she takes care of her inner child and knows how to approach life with frivolity!
Do you have to be in a relationship to be sexually satisfied?
Enjoying a sexual encounter with someone you don't really know can offer an exquisite sense of freedom. Sometimes, without emotional attachments, going with the flow is easier. Plus, it can be exciting to indulge freely in our sexual antics without waiting until we're in a relationship. Our opinion: one night stands can be really beautiful when the sex is performed with kindness, curiosity, and respect (obviously).
On the other hand, by knowing our partner's preferences, we can take sexuality to another level in a safe and secure space. Thanks to intimacy in a romantic relationship, we can even access a spiritual dimension through the practice of tantric sex.
The most important thing is to get to know each other and see where you have the greatest potential to develop as a lover. Polyamorous relationships can also be beautiful avenues. We might even talk about those again in a future article!
First of all, let's conquer yourself!
We've got just one word to say: masturbation.
If you're going to communicate your desires to your partner, you first have to figure out what they are! Masturbation is a way of connecting with your body, learning your limits, and understanding your preferences.
As Tina Karr puts it so well: "If I don't like my body, I won't want to share it, and if I don't know what I like, I don't know what to ask for." It all starts with self-love and exploring your own erotic universe. It's a process, we know, but you got this!
The foundations of a healthy relationship
1. Trust: Even for a closed and monogamous couple, freedom is essential. And freedom goes hand in hand with deep-seated trust.
2. Respect: Here, we're talking as much about respect for your partner as we are yourself.
Tip: Set boundaries at the start off a relationship, and make sure to respect them. They're different from one couple to the next and can change over time. What matters is communication. When the boundaries of what makes us feel good and comfortable are clearly established, respect can flourish.
3. Communication: Telling each other the truth is key. Don't be afraid to be vulnerable. Moreover, Tina recommends listening to Brené Brown's Ted Talk on the subject! Pssst! Good communication allows us to discuss our sexual preferences: What makes you feel good? What doesn't? What makes you feel comfortable? What's going on in your erotic universe?
4. Creativity: It's the remedy for the routine. What can you bring to the relationship? Games, ideas, silliness – all ideas are welcome to keep the relationship sparkling and in motion!
Good communication before and during sex
Sexuality can be a wonderful portal of self-express, especially when it goes hand in hand with good communication.
We often talk about communication during sex, but communication outside the bed is just as important! First, communication makes it possible to delimit the playing field so that the two (or more!) people involved are comfortable. Second, it makes it possible for everyone to put their fantasies out there. The idea is to set up all the conditions you need to maximize everyone's pleasure when the time comes!
Idea: leave a hat near your bed full of sex game ideas you can pick at random. Just draw an idea when we want to add a little extra spice!
To all menstruating people: this is also a good time to chat with your partner about how comfortable you are having sex during menstruation.
Consent is always critical, whether you've been with your partner for 2 minutes or 20 years. Throughout the sex, make sure you're clear in your intentions and give your partner the opportunity to say no.
Tell yourself what's going on and guide your partner to maximize your enjoyment. You know what we mean: a little faster, a little slower, stronger, softer, a little more like that. After all, we're active participants in our quest for fun!
Sometimes, there can be a lot of pressure to perform, to enjoy, to bandage, to moisten, but if something's not working, don't worry about it! Just get up, grab a cup of hot chocolate, and watch Netflix! And if you feel like it, you can try again tomorrow.
What about pornography?
Mainstream pornography often projects pretty stereotypical images of sex and sexuality. The man has to perform like Rococo, and the woman has to act like a porn star, accept anything that's offered, and find pleasure in coercion. It's an unhealthy vision, objectifying and far from being LGBTQ+ friendly!
How can we avoid, at all costs, letting pornography influence our daily sexuality?
The answer is not to watch it, at least not the mainstream stuff.. There's feminist and ethical pornography that depicts consenting humans enjoying egalitarian sex. We swear, it's much more exciting when there's consent!
How can we ensure that desire continues to grow as we age?
- Take care of yourself: To enter a relationship with someone else, you first have to be good to yourself. Desire is more powerful when you have a healthy body and mind.
- Don't get lazy: You have to be daring and provoke opportunities! Desire isn't always spontaneous, especially after several years in a relationship. Having an appointment on your agenda can give desire time to grow in your imagination.
- Change your habits: It's important to create new experiences and reinvent yourself. A night in a hotel never hurts! A different physical space can also change your mental space.
- Reconnect with eroticism: While the word "sex" refers purely to the physical act, "eroticism" takes into account desires and the discovery of the senses. In other words, it's about getting to know your partner's body – and your own!. Atmosphere, sex toys, flavours, movements – there are so many erotic universes to explore.